dumbfounded

i finally know how it feels to have a knife in my back
it hurts more because u put it there
of all ppl
u..

3rd year

i have been warned..i prepared myself but obviously not enough..3rd year in just insane madness..no time to even breathe relax destress..just keeps coming and coming..hell i dont even have a weekend to call my own unless u call my pathetic excuse of a weekend one..we could trade places..even a week would be heaven for me..lec til 3pm..it used to be 5pm..i guess uni finally came to their senses..not even enough time to enjoy my saturday before sunday comes and the books are staring me in the face..ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

i need out out out out!!! now now now..i'm going mad la..sigh..i could go on and on about this til my 3rd year finishes because this torture is nv gonna end..actually i hear it will only get worse..how LA!

on a lighter note..i'm so mad at one of my groupmates i feel like giving him one tight slap til reality comes back and gives him another tight slap! seriously..when he isnt there my group is so united..but everytime he shows his %$%#$% face i feel like the group is so divided..yesterday he got me all worked up..i dont know why i let him get to me so but he does and its so annoyingly irritating! i think i need to learn how to medicate..all this negative energy is so not helping..especially accumulated with all the stress that comes with 3rd yr..so soooo not helping!

somemore today i reloaded my phone but it seems the boogiemonster ate my credit!!! i even checked and rechecked and triple checked the receipt to check if i entered the right number..and unless i got a new number i'm pretty sure it's my number..dont know where the stupiiiiid credit ran off to..ding dong!

overall i'm stressed! ahhhh! when did life become this difficult?? suffer now enjoy later as 'they' all say..soooooo..when is my later coming along?? i kinda need it pretty badly now!!

Stuck

Being around friends gives me a sense of belonging..i need not say much but yet I feel like there is no place else I’d rather be..just listening to the idle chit chat gives me a sense of comfort..but then there are also times when solitude helps me in ways company cannot..just being by myself..sorting through my thoughts that are running wild in my head..thinking about my future..reflecting on my past..trying to rearrange my mindset to be the person I’d rather be than the person I am..I know I shouldl be contented with who I am..i’m not saying that I’m not..i’m just saying I know I can be better and that I want to be better.

Lately I feel like i’ve hit some kind of barrier of some sort..it’s like there is so much going on in my head..things I want to share with people..feelings I want to release..but they are just stuck..the words just seem stuck..there is this fear in me..fear of being judged..fear of what others might think if they knew what I was really thinking..fear of how they would react..just this fear that holds the words back.

I’m putting off making decisions because I’m afraid I might make the wrong ones..i’m afraid of putting myself out there again exposed and vulnerable..i feel like I could do this but I’m not sure if I really want to..but I could..i could just go with the flow but what if somehow along the way I realize that this is not what I want..then how?? How do u swim back against the current to my comfort zone once again?? But how long can I stay here in my comfort zone..i know here I’m safe..here I won’t get hurt..here I can fear nothing but how long can this last??

I’m angry..angry at the world..angry at u..angry at myself..i guess I have a lot of suppressed anger..but I don’t know how to let it out..but I feel it manifesting in me..poisoning me..

I try to run..run as fast as I can but no matter how far or how fast I can still feel it..following me..i dare not turn back because then I might come face to face with it..so here I am running..away from the world..the truth..the reality.

I’m weak.

scratching ma' head

i switched on my laptop and double clicked on my winamp..
...
...
no sound..
hmm..suspicious..no??
open my D drive only to find my whole music folder is gone..yes yes i'm not kidding..the WHOLE thing..the whole 8GB plus..how?? i seriously have no clue..
i tried to think think think if there was a time i could have 'accidentally' deleted it but nooooo..i can't i mean i must have been pretty out to have done that..somemore it's been a while since i've used my laptop..really i have no clue..no idea..i'm just seriously dumbfounded.
no joke!

...

i'm at a crossroad..
don't know where to go from here..
i want to go forward..
but i keep looking back..
i'm afraid..
the minute i take that 1st step front..
my past would be just the past..
but what if..
what i want is still there..
what do i do..
where do i go..
i can't be here standed forever..

dilemma

1st time
his bad
2nd time
my bad?

sigh..