Stuck

Being around friends gives me a sense of belonging..i need not say much but yet I feel like there is no place else I’d rather be..just listening to the idle chit chat gives me a sense of comfort..but then there are also times when solitude helps me in ways company cannot..just being by myself..sorting through my thoughts that are running wild in my head..thinking about my future..reflecting on my past..trying to rearrange my mindset to be the person I’d rather be than the person I am..I know I shouldl be contented with who I am..i’m not saying that I’m not..i’m just saying I know I can be better and that I want to be better.

Lately I feel like i’ve hit some kind of barrier of some sort..it’s like there is so much going on in my head..things I want to share with people..feelings I want to release..but they are just stuck..the words just seem stuck..there is this fear in me..fear of being judged..fear of what others might think if they knew what I was really thinking..fear of how they would react..just this fear that holds the words back.

I’m putting off making decisions because I’m afraid I might make the wrong ones..i’m afraid of putting myself out there again exposed and vulnerable..i feel like I could do this but I’m not sure if I really want to..but I could..i could just go with the flow but what if somehow along the way I realize that this is not what I want..then how?? How do u swim back against the current to my comfort zone once again?? But how long can I stay here in my comfort zone..i know here I’m safe..here I won’t get hurt..here I can fear nothing but how long can this last??

I’m angry..angry at the world..angry at u..angry at myself..i guess I have a lot of suppressed anger..but I don’t know how to let it out..but I feel it manifesting in me..poisoning me..

I try to run..run as fast as I can but no matter how far or how fast I can still feel it..following me..i dare not turn back because then I might come face to face with it..so here I am running..away from the world..the truth..the reality.

I’m weak.