defect

I've never been a hopeless romantic
Not even a romantic I must admit
I think I have a defect

"Love doesn’t think twice..it’s called on once and answers from a distance "

Does it really?? I for one do not believe in love at first sight..attraction however most definitely but I am a self proclaimed hyper cynic when it comes to love..i believe this feeling has to be cultivated and it has to grow on you for some period of time..it is not some instantaneous feeling u can feel towards someone especially at 1^st sight (I'm entitled to my own opinion..those with contradicting ones..plz express urself freely but on ur own blog) what can u possibly say u ‘love’ about the person?? Their looks?? What else can u possibly know at 1^st sight??

How do u know when ur ready to get into a relationship?? How do u maintain a relationship?? How do u know he/she is THE one??

oh gawd i'm like the last person that should be asked these questions..i am very fickle-minded and i tend to change my view on things in life too frequently for comfort and i am self-proclaimly so quite bias based on my own experinces..in the end u'll end up paying for my mistakes soooooooo..if ur asking for advice about this plz go knock on someone else's door..i'm not chasing u away it's juz i don't think i'm qualified but if u need some cheering up..an ear to listen..a good laugh and a hell of a good time..my door is alwaz open..alwaz!

but i do believe that everybody deserves a chance..if it puts a smile in ur heart..if it makes u radiate a glow no one seems to be able to put out with all their doubts and warnings..well how wrong can it possibly be?? but i tend to let my emotions lead my brain about on a leash soo..take ur time..think it through a lil bit more..but make sure whatever u decide ur doing it for u and no one else..ppl will talk rumours will spread..but if ur sure it shouldn't matter :)

rejected.

sigh..

first i read jane's blog and i was so touched..hahaha..see how i make it a ritual to read ur blog??? i juz dont leave comments as often! :P then i wanted to read manda's blog and i couldn't!! why?? *sob* because i wasn't invited..although majority of the pieces of my heart are still scattered on the floor..the pieces that i have already picked up and meticulously 'loved' back together have yet again broken into evennn smaller pieces..sigh i'm gonna have to buy supersuperglue to mend my heart now..love just aint enough anymore :(

okok a bit overdramatic i know but after a long day and then suddenly being rejected out of my own's fren's blog..i have every right to be dramatic!!i'm on the brink of depression..sigh..i was wondering how i could request to be invited..but somehow i don't know how?!?!oh sounds so desperate right?? but then manda's blogg have always give me inspiration..words that gimme courage to tackle any obstacle in my path..with style i might add *grins* u can't take that away from me :( the lil perks of online-ing gonna go down the drain..so darlin manda plz add me ASAP!! need to read ur words of wisdom LA..if not how how HOW am i gonna get through this week..let alone this year..it's only monday and i feel tired and burned out..still got 5 more days to go b4 saturday comes knocking on my door once again..

sigh..

Gie,

In the end it’s all memories la
Take the good
And laugh at whatever that wasn’t
In the end it’s all experience

What am I to do without friends? Then u wouldn’t have to kill me. I’d just die.

It’s time for a change. No more self-pitying. No more looking back. No more being selfish and thinking about what could have been otherwise but realistically what could be now.

I gain courage from her courage. And because of her I know everything will all be ok. It is just going to take time but we’re still young. Maybe u aren’t but I am! Time is all that we got. Those who think otherwise just are not paying attention or are just being plain ignorant.

The 1^st step is always the hardest. Once u get past that everything else after is automatic. Grease lightning babeh!

A : its hard to be optimistic when my glass is half empty

H : then fill it up

A : there is nothing worth filling it up with

H : put in any junk u can find first til the right thing comes along

A : *speechless*

*smile*

this is me now.

Do not judge me if u don’t know what I’m going through..do not judge me even if u do..judge me only if ur willing to go through it with me.

There are memories which linger in the room where I live..memories I only want to dig a hole and hide away from..memories which creep up behind me when I least expect it to..memories I want to bury so it would leave me alone..memories I somehow still can’t quite let go off.

But yesterday I realized it doesn’t help to run away from the room coz it wasn’t the room to begin with..they were in my head.

Call me stupid. Call me dumb. Call me naïve. Call me whatever comes to your head because I’m probably thinking the same thing about myself too but yet I still can’t seem to let go. Help me. I want to I just don’t know how.

There are days which are good. There are days which are bad. I’m just waiting for the time when I can expect each day to be just as good as the next. I’m optimistic. That’s a start, ain’t it?

how can something so good be so wrong

i feel numb..i dont know what to feel..i have so many emotions in me finding means and ways to get out but i refuse to acknowledge them..im not in denial i juz dont think i can handle reality..i feel like i'm juz floating in my own world protected by the imaginary bubble i conjured up in my head and my only fear is that its gonna pop soon and im gonna fall and fall and fall and fall and fall somemore..

i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok..if i say it long enough..if i think it hard enough..it should come true right?? right? right? RIGHTT???? i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok..either mind power is a load of bullcrap or it just isnt my day..hasn't been for a while..ahh!! juz kill me now.