I want to belong!

I was browsing through shing's blog and just realized how much i could relate to some of the things she said..

and then it struck me that all the times I'd been wallowing in self pity about my so-called complicated soap-opera issues that had broken me into a million pieces, I was really being just one thing: Idiotic.

my life has been reduced to nothing but a sad routine..

It's funny sometimes, you realise you don't really know who the people who are REALLY close to you are anymore...

I hope it was ok to quote u..don't sue me k..i'm giving u free publisity! :) I hope it makes u feel better that you're not alone tho.. But seriously lately no matter how pathetic i know it may seem I have seriously been wallowing in a LOT of self-pity..more than the normal daily dosage..this has to stop! now.

now the question is how?? ppl say the problem doesn't lie in your surroundings but in you yourself and how you react to your surroudings..so plz tell me what am i doing wrong here? is it really me?? even my mum asked when i told her how bored i have been recently.."are u bored because u have nothing to do? or are you bored with yourself?" the question totally caught me off-guard..and until today i'm still trying to figure out which variant it is..

of late..there has been a thought swimming around in my lil head..MMA? to go..or not to go..to go..or not to go..I feel like I've given my all to this place and that it has given me all it has to offer too..so now i want more..more than what it can possibly ever give me..but it's a big decision..a big choice..once made i cannot turn back..and it scares the living daylights out of me..after F5 I have been hopping from place to place..somehow never seemed to ever feel like i belonged..even here eventhough it's been almost 3 yrs..there are countless times when i feel like i so do NOT belong..that this is not where i am suppose to be..could it be the course I'm studying? *gasps*

oK before I get ahead of myself here..let's not ponder on things I cannot change..meaning the course sticks..but just think about it..Moscow vs Kursk..Kurks vs Moscow..I need to redefine the meaning of life in my dictionary..could MMA be the key?

ps, I'm not flunking any of my subjects here oK neither am i running away from anything..I juz need more in life so when i graduate i won't look back on all the wasted years filled with empty holes of what-could-have-beens & missed-out-experiences..I want solid rock-ass memories that i can tell my cucu cicits about..

I have 2 months and counting to make up my mind so when i go back to Msia I can sit my parents down for discussion and set in motion all the paperworks..I want to but I'm scared..scared of the unknown..scared that I might regret moving..took me a while to settle in2 the routine and all..but then isn't that one of my problems in the first place to begin with..routine routine routine..

the hardest part would be parting with my friends..

but like shing said..it's funny how sometimes u don't seem to know who the ppl who are suppose to be really close to u are anymore..not so much as funny..more like hurtful..especially at times when u just need them to be there..

I don't want u to think of me as juz one of your other friends who unload all their problems on you..I know you got your own problems to deal with..and sometimes u just can't handle everything..I nv planned to unload on you but then you'd be surprise by just how much your presence lightens my load..well that was when you were around anyway..

change is alwaz good..change of place..change of ppl..change of culture..as long as we don't change (not 4d worse anyway :P ) change is even more needed in dire situations where without change we change..I don't want to but this place juz might change me..I need out now!

You need to do this for you..put your friends aside for a moment & ask yourself angie what do YOU want?