02/07/09

As one chapter closes another opens. Story of my life. This marks a new beginning. I may have doubts but I know I can. No looking back. Forward is the only option. Please be kind. tQ.

heart2heart

Dear Malaysia,

I shall be coming home to u and all the splendid things that u have to offer very soon. I know I have very high demands seeing as I only get to see u once a year for only 2 months but so far u have never failed to please me beyond my expectations. I want stability this time but it is hard to put faith in something that has burned me before. Let this holiday renew my faith and evaporate my doubts. Looking forward to seeing u very soon.

A very loyal Malaysian,
Angie

ps, if u dont mind I would prefer if it was not too hot to the point of unbearable. Thank you. :) Malaysia boleh!

learning to let go

Ppl grow..ppl change..for the better or for the worse..it is all subjective.

This entry is especially for u..I loved last night..juz the 3 of us it was like old times and it felt absolutely marvellous..u dnt know how much I love u girls oh SO much!! But I don't know why when I go back to ur place it's different. I don't feel like I'm able to be myself. I have tried. I dont expect u to understand coz I doubt u will be able to. I juz dont want u to misunderstand the reasons behind my decision. I'm not running away from u. Whenever u need me I'm juz a phonecall away and I will always try to be there for u. If I can I will! I juz like when I have the absolute freedom to be myself. And at ur place is one of the place where I juz cant seem to be.

On a totally different note..I am such a KLUTZ. Until now I am still wondering what was I thinking of when I opened the door right into my face..more specifically right into my right eye. Really I just cannot seem to figure it out. I juz know walking towards the cab..then opening the door and then before I even knew what happened BAM!! All I knew was right eye HURTSSS..right eye blurr meaning lense lari. When I arrived at Subhz and was fishing my eye for the contact, I noticed I had a small cut below my eye. DAMN. Then, when I actually found the lense and took it out I realized it was torn. #$%^&*()_(*&^%$#$%^&^%$#!!!! After that for the next hour I was fishing around for the other part of my right lense. It has yet to be found. But I have reasoned it feel out when the "BAMM" occurred or during the cab ride when I was in shock since I kept rubbing my eye. Yup like I said no explanation, only that I am a total klutz. :/

On another note, I am a very simple girl. Very easy please. I dont have many expectations but that does not mean that I have none. And towards those certain expectations I know I can be very demanding. I am a very indecisive person but when I know what I want MEANS I WANT IT. But I can be reasonable. Might not seem so to u but everyone is entitled to one's opinion. In any case if u try to change this outlook of mine, it would be more productive if u please go get a life. As for me, I have one and am very happy with it. A happy Angie is a very likeable one. :)

invalid

I have gotten too used to u
always being around
always doing things for me
I have forgotten how to be independant
what am I gonna do when ur gone?

faith renewed

prayers are stronger than u or I can ever imagine.

love my mummy. xx

regrets.

should I have started earlier?
well maybe.
but then even now as I am studying
I am beginning to forget what I studied a few days ago
now I dont even want to try recalling
scared to get a panic attack
when I realize juz how little I remember

He does not put obstacles in front of us which He does not think we can overcome

yes I CAN DO IT. but only with His help and guidance. always.

excuses NOT!

it's coz this place does not have a 24/7 hour library!
yup..!! that's the reason I'm not studying.
soooo NOT my fault.

:)

sometimes you still manage to surprise me..

'you say he does not do anything wrong. fine. but mebe he also never does anything right either.'
-you

torn

If chance was based on a toss of a coin

Hmmm...

It's not that I do not know what I want

I DO

It's just that I have learned over time

Patience is a virtue

They say

Time waits for no man

But mebe man can wait this time out?

u know what?

mebe ur right.

I got no excuses
No explanations
It's life

it has started.

my PMS + exam stress = stay far far away
all bets are off!

today

U broke my heart
I know u didn't know
But u did.

friends come and go

I hope we prove the saying wrong
only time will tell.

:|

Anybody can be a doctor but not everyone will be a happy and contented one.
- Anonymous

Now I think I am the former
How long do u think it will take for me to be the latter??

12 hours

YES!
I admit.
That was how much I slept frm y'day.
That is the reason I have the same amount of pending work since y'day.
Can that be the reason why I'm still sleepy??

too little too late

U just do not understand me. And maybe I just do not understand u. Or maybe at one point I guess I just gave up trying to understand because I just can't bend anymore. U cannot blame me for giving up. U cannot guilt me into it. I have tried so hard for so long but when it did matter u took it forgranted. I have sacrificed so much for u. I know u may not realized but I have changed so much as a person since u came along. I'm not saying in a bad way but I just can't go on like this any longer. Sometimes I come up for a breather and that itself becomes an issue. The things I have done for u may seem minute and insignificant to u but if u were in my shoes I cannot even say with confidence u would have done the same for me. U might say that 'of course I would have' but when push comes to shove, only then will the truth reveal itself.

I'm not giving up totally because I still care. But I'm not gonna put that extra effort just because u think I should. But after all the effort I have put into this since the beginning I am trying my best to maintain it til the end. I just need u to try to understand me as the PERSON I am. Accept me as me. If not it's gonna be a longggg few weeks ahead. I will not deny I have changed. But then neither can u.

baby steps

To find oneself

Sometimes U gotta lose urself 1st

I realize I am slowly discovering myself again

ohH how I have missed ME!!

What do I want?

I want OUT

KCUF

such a catastrophically emotionally draining waste of a KCUF-ing day

teachers here either have no balls or are freaking biased

just coz 'they' were UR students and I'm not??

like I even had a choice like HELLO

what gives u the right??

NO ONE

ally mcBeal

i want what i dont want

i dont want what i want

it gets complicated when i get what i want

beyond the horizon

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. I know I always think a lot even about the tiniest thing whose effect might not even leave a dent in my life in the future. Now more than ever. I've ventured on to the subjects I usually do not ponder on. Like my future. I mean like 'DUH!!!' I have thought about my future but never too far along the line. I would rather have short-term goals rather than long-term ones. Goals I know I can achieve within a few years, goals whose finish lines I can picture in my head. Because if I had long term goals my head would be thinking about the short term ones and the long term ones at the same time and somewhere along the way they might clash. Then what?? Choose between my goals?? Which I would rather have?? What if I cannot choose?? What if I don't want to?? Sooner or later I will short circuit the 5% of my brain I use. Plus I like to think I live by the saying 'go with the flow'. I can't see past every bend of road in the journey of my life so I'll take every stretch before and after each bend as it comes and not worry about it from the time I begin my journey. Probably the only constant goal I have in my life is to succeed in everything I commit to. But the choices which goals to commit to, that belongs into the short-term category. 

I realize I turn to my blog everytime I have personal conflict of interest or when I can't seem to talk to anyone about the things roaming in my head. Probably because sometimes I don't even understand them. How do I talk about something I cannot comprehend or something I'm sure I cannot put into words so ppl can understand. In the end you would think I'm an escapee from the looney bin. 

I wish I had a friend with Chuck's ability. I can just say a word or a phrase and he/she would flash and get me. Life would be so easy. Maybe then he/she can explain what I am feeling or thinking. I can't believe I'm referring to myself as the intersect. An abstract collection of thoughts memories without emotion. Or am I more like it then I allow myself to imagine?

without reservations

I have planted myself flat in a mess. A mess I would rather cover than clean up. My facial expression shows my true feelings. My actions show what a lie I'm living. Am I the only one seeing it or can the whole world read me? Am I ashamed? I should be. But I just can't seem to give it up. It's like an addiction. And I just keep going back for more.

I miss smiling like that. I miss laughing like that. I miss being so totally open like that. I miss being me.

To my special person *muahs*

After reading an email from a very dear friend of mine whom I hold so very close to my heart and whose blog helps me through the toughest of days in ways she will never realize, I have realized just how far I have slipped away. I never wanted to get caught in the current and dragged this far but I suck at keeping in touch as these longgg 4 years have proven. 

This blog was set up to bridge the distance somehow. To relate my days my feelings my smiles and occasionally my sadness my fears. No man is an island. Somehow along the way I just lost my way and gave up writing. When my reality was too hard for me to accept too hard for me to relive in order to put into words. When I thought words no longer suffice to express what I felt. But how wrong I was.

Her email brought back so many feelings. It been so long since I have felt that rush. It was as if she was hugging me with her words and how I have missed her hugs. She made me feel as if I was right there with her seeing her through the whole thing. Oh how I wish I was in reality. Standing there cheering her on. Giving her the extra support. Sharing with her that special day of hers. 

So because of that I have decided to get off my lazy ass. Start facing reality and sharing my words with all of u again. Its the first step to opening my world up to u guys. Eventhough it might not be as interesting as u guys thought it might be or rather as I would like to imagine. It's my life. Welcome back to it! By the way, no one is forcing u to read this. :)

But to u, my special person. It's about time we make sure the years don't pile up one after another before I meet u again. It's been far too long. And although the photoes show what a magnificent woman u have grown into, I would finally like my share of u in person. *hugs*

If only u knew what u meant to me. I love u SOOOO much.