stronger

to stab back would be easy at that particular moment but the consequences that follow will be tough..life is never as simple as we like to think..so sometimes the easiest and most appropriate solution would just be to look the other way..and in time hope that it would be just some distant memory..what doesnt kill u only makes u stronger! haaaaaaarh!!!

can i get a ooh ooh! ooh ooh! lolz..babes i know i've been out of touch & its been a while since we have caught up..i'm sorry my online timing has kinda sucked lately but u shall be updated soon i promise!! i got some juice to share wit ya!!

lately i've been asking myself a lot what do i want?? what do i deserve?? am i getting what i deserve?? a lot of ppl may think i'm settling for much lower than i deserve but somehow there's no doubt this is what i want..it might not be forever but have u ever heard the saying..something is better than nothing?? i know sometimes i let my emotions take the driver seat and i dont think before i leap but sometimes that thrill when ur soaring in the air is worth anything and everything that the landing just doesnt seem so very important at that very important..live for the moment..i want no regrets in my life and i know not doing this would be one of the regrets which i might have to carry around with me for a very very long time..dont want to look back and ask why did i walk away from this chance..trying is better than giving up any day in my book.

peace.

dumbfounded

i finally know how it feels to have a knife in my back
it hurts more because u put it there
of all ppl
u..

3rd year

i have been warned..i prepared myself but obviously not enough..3rd year in just insane madness..no time to even breathe relax destress..just keeps coming and coming..hell i dont even have a weekend to call my own unless u call my pathetic excuse of a weekend one..we could trade places..even a week would be heaven for me..lec til 3pm..it used to be 5pm..i guess uni finally came to their senses..not even enough time to enjoy my saturday before sunday comes and the books are staring me in the face..ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

i need out out out out!!! now now now..i'm going mad la..sigh..i could go on and on about this til my 3rd year finishes because this torture is nv gonna end..actually i hear it will only get worse..how LA!

on a lighter note..i'm so mad at one of my groupmates i feel like giving him one tight slap til reality comes back and gives him another tight slap! seriously..when he isnt there my group is so united..but everytime he shows his %$%#$% face i feel like the group is so divided..yesterday he got me all worked up..i dont know why i let him get to me so but he does and its so annoyingly irritating! i think i need to learn how to medicate..all this negative energy is so not helping..especially accumulated with all the stress that comes with 3rd yr..so soooo not helping!

somemore today i reloaded my phone but it seems the boogiemonster ate my credit!!! i even checked and rechecked and triple checked the receipt to check if i entered the right number..and unless i got a new number i'm pretty sure it's my number..dont know where the stupiiiiid credit ran off to..ding dong!

overall i'm stressed! ahhhh! when did life become this difficult?? suffer now enjoy later as 'they' all say..soooooo..when is my later coming along?? i kinda need it pretty badly now!!

Stuck

Being around friends gives me a sense of belonging..i need not say much but yet I feel like there is no place else I’d rather be..just listening to the idle chit chat gives me a sense of comfort..but then there are also times when solitude helps me in ways company cannot..just being by myself..sorting through my thoughts that are running wild in my head..thinking about my future..reflecting on my past..trying to rearrange my mindset to be the person I’d rather be than the person I am..I know I shouldl be contented with who I am..i’m not saying that I’m not..i’m just saying I know I can be better and that I want to be better.

Lately I feel like i’ve hit some kind of barrier of some sort..it’s like there is so much going on in my head..things I want to share with people..feelings I want to release..but they are just stuck..the words just seem stuck..there is this fear in me..fear of being judged..fear of what others might think if they knew what I was really thinking..fear of how they would react..just this fear that holds the words back.

I’m putting off making decisions because I’m afraid I might make the wrong ones..i’m afraid of putting myself out there again exposed and vulnerable..i feel like I could do this but I’m not sure if I really want to..but I could..i could just go with the flow but what if somehow along the way I realize that this is not what I want..then how?? How do u swim back against the current to my comfort zone once again?? But how long can I stay here in my comfort zone..i know here I’m safe..here I won’t get hurt..here I can fear nothing but how long can this last??

I’m angry..angry at the world..angry at u..angry at myself..i guess I have a lot of suppressed anger..but I don’t know how to let it out..but I feel it manifesting in me..poisoning me..

I try to run..run as fast as I can but no matter how far or how fast I can still feel it..following me..i dare not turn back because then I might come face to face with it..so here I am running..away from the world..the truth..the reality.

I’m weak.

scratching ma' head

i switched on my laptop and double clicked on my winamp..
...
...
no sound..
hmm..suspicious..no??
open my D drive only to find my whole music folder is gone..yes yes i'm not kidding..the WHOLE thing..the whole 8GB plus..how?? i seriously have no clue..
i tried to think think think if there was a time i could have 'accidentally' deleted it but nooooo..i can't i mean i must have been pretty out to have done that..somemore it's been a while since i've used my laptop..really i have no clue..no idea..i'm just seriously dumbfounded.
no joke!

...

i'm at a crossroad..
don't know where to go from here..
i want to go forward..
but i keep looking back..
i'm afraid..
the minute i take that 1st step front..
my past would be just the past..
but what if..
what i want is still there..
what do i do..
where do i go..
i can't be here standed forever..

dilemma

1st time
his bad
2nd time
my bad?

sigh..

defect

I've never been a hopeless romantic
Not even a romantic I must admit
I think I have a defect

"Love doesn’t think twice..it’s called on once and answers from a distance "

Does it really?? I for one do not believe in love at first sight..attraction however most definitely but I am a self proclaimed hyper cynic when it comes to love..i believe this feeling has to be cultivated and it has to grow on you for some period of time..it is not some instantaneous feeling u can feel towards someone especially at 1^st sight (I'm entitled to my own opinion..those with contradicting ones..plz express urself freely but on ur own blog) what can u possibly say u ‘love’ about the person?? Their looks?? What else can u possibly know at 1^st sight??

How do u know when ur ready to get into a relationship?? How do u maintain a relationship?? How do u know he/she is THE one??

oh gawd i'm like the last person that should be asked these questions..i am very fickle-minded and i tend to change my view on things in life too frequently for comfort and i am self-proclaimly so quite bias based on my own experinces..in the end u'll end up paying for my mistakes soooooooo..if ur asking for advice about this plz go knock on someone else's door..i'm not chasing u away it's juz i don't think i'm qualified but if u need some cheering up..an ear to listen..a good laugh and a hell of a good time..my door is alwaz open..alwaz!

but i do believe that everybody deserves a chance..if it puts a smile in ur heart..if it makes u radiate a glow no one seems to be able to put out with all their doubts and warnings..well how wrong can it possibly be?? but i tend to let my emotions lead my brain about on a leash soo..take ur time..think it through a lil bit more..but make sure whatever u decide ur doing it for u and no one else..ppl will talk rumours will spread..but if ur sure it shouldn't matter :)

rejected.

sigh..

first i read jane's blog and i was so touched..hahaha..see how i make it a ritual to read ur blog??? i juz dont leave comments as often! :P then i wanted to read manda's blog and i couldn't!! why?? *sob* because i wasn't invited..although majority of the pieces of my heart are still scattered on the floor..the pieces that i have already picked up and meticulously 'loved' back together have yet again broken into evennn smaller pieces..sigh i'm gonna have to buy supersuperglue to mend my heart now..love just aint enough anymore :(

okok a bit overdramatic i know but after a long day and then suddenly being rejected out of my own's fren's blog..i have every right to be dramatic!!i'm on the brink of depression..sigh..i was wondering how i could request to be invited..but somehow i don't know how?!?!oh sounds so desperate right?? but then manda's blogg have always give me inspiration..words that gimme courage to tackle any obstacle in my path..with style i might add *grins* u can't take that away from me :( the lil perks of online-ing gonna go down the drain..so darlin manda plz add me ASAP!! need to read ur words of wisdom LA..if not how how HOW am i gonna get through this week..let alone this year..it's only monday and i feel tired and burned out..still got 5 more days to go b4 saturday comes knocking on my door once again..

sigh..

Gie,

In the end it’s all memories la
Take the good
And laugh at whatever that wasn’t
In the end it’s all experience

What am I to do without friends? Then u wouldn’t have to kill me. I’d just die.

It’s time for a change. No more self-pitying. No more looking back. No more being selfish and thinking about what could have been otherwise but realistically what could be now.

I gain courage from her courage. And because of her I know everything will all be ok. It is just going to take time but we’re still young. Maybe u aren’t but I am! Time is all that we got. Those who think otherwise just are not paying attention or are just being plain ignorant.

The 1^st step is always the hardest. Once u get past that everything else after is automatic. Grease lightning babeh!

A : its hard to be optimistic when my glass is half empty

H : then fill it up

A : there is nothing worth filling it up with

H : put in any junk u can find first til the right thing comes along

A : *speechless*

*smile*

this is me now.

Do not judge me if u don’t know what I’m going through..do not judge me even if u do..judge me only if ur willing to go through it with me.

There are memories which linger in the room where I live..memories I only want to dig a hole and hide away from..memories which creep up behind me when I least expect it to..memories I want to bury so it would leave me alone..memories I somehow still can’t quite let go off.

But yesterday I realized it doesn’t help to run away from the room coz it wasn’t the room to begin with..they were in my head.

Call me stupid. Call me dumb. Call me naïve. Call me whatever comes to your head because I’m probably thinking the same thing about myself too but yet I still can’t seem to let go. Help me. I want to I just don’t know how.

There are days which are good. There are days which are bad. I’m just waiting for the time when I can expect each day to be just as good as the next. I’m optimistic. That’s a start, ain’t it?

how can something so good be so wrong

i feel numb..i dont know what to feel..i have so many emotions in me finding means and ways to get out but i refuse to acknowledge them..im not in denial i juz dont think i can handle reality..i feel like i'm juz floating in my own world protected by the imaginary bubble i conjured up in my head and my only fear is that its gonna pop soon and im gonna fall and fall and fall and fall and fall somemore..

i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok..if i say it long enough..if i think it hard enough..it should come true right?? right? right? RIGHTT???? i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok..either mind power is a load of bullcrap or it just isnt my day..hasn't been for a while..ahh!! juz kill me now.

house arrest

yesterday i ended my house arrest..self house arrest..ok not really house arrest i was just too lazy to go out..but yesterday i actually dressed up and went out of the house..yes i did..it was such an achievement!! seriously..u dont know how lazy i have been over the past week..juz to get ready to go out..all i do is juz stay home..sleeep..tv..food..tv..sleep..ohhhh..the life that i shall miss oh so much..

then it HIT me..i only have a week left!!! so much to do..so little time..so i summoned my all willpower and went out..yes i did..and i had a greatttt time..

too bad i forgot the house keys..mum wasnt too happy when i woke her up to open the door for me.. *sheepish grin*

the reason i sold my soul

yes i know i said i would nv join facebook

yes i know how much i looked down on facebook THEN

yes i know Ian is so gonna mock me about this

yes i know i said frenster was more than enuf to handle

yes i know i said a lot of things that were very anti-facebook

BUT

facebook held my photoes at ransom!

frens who refused to send it to me any other way except the do-it-urself way

so because i had NO other option

I now have facebook.

what say u?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora" ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador") , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

So what say YOU?

don't let go

i didn't go through with it
i was very tempted tho
i considered it

i'm ridden with guilt..u know how ppl defend themselves saying that sure it is wrong but hell i didnt go through with it..i just thought it..does it make it wrong?? does it?? if it doesnt then why do i still feel this bad? i was this close THIS CLOSE to losing u..i knew if i had done it i wouldnt have had a 2nd chance..i can't even think the thought of losing u let alone consider it and yet i almost did the most stupid thing i could ever possibly have done..everytime the X factor comes into the picture i lose all sense of logic..all sense of myself..the past comes and takes a hold of me..sometimes i feel like i have no control over myself..

the bottom line is i didnt go through with it in the end..but is that really the bottom line?? or is it the fact that its mere possibility crossed my mind the bottom line?? whatever it is i'm sorry.

it's been a while...

it's funny..in the past i always try to stay in kch as long as possible..but somehow this trip towards the last few days i was rather down because my dad kept postponing my trip back to KL..first i was suppose to leave on the 11th then changed it to the 20th and finally on the 21st i dragged him to the airport to buy me a new ticket to leave on that day itself..rushed back home to pack and back to the airport and off i was to KL..finally i'm home..i mean kch will always be home but KL is my home away from home..home is where the heart is and a big part of it is in KL..my brother has grown..i'm impressed..seriously they grow up so fast *tears of joy welling up* reminds me of how old i am *sigh* it feels so good just chilling at home lazing on the couch watching TV with my mum *bliss*

note : i'm NOT saying i didnt enjoy kch..i did i did i did..kch was simply awesome!!! seriously it just rawked my hols..but now i juz need to relax slow down the partying and start mentally preparing myself for russia once again..sigh sigh sigh..

i know i have been neglecting u dear gundumamapancakes but well 'holiday mood' switched on..nuff said?? hehe..i have so many stories to tell but then my mind is like running so much faster than my fingers can type..u know how a picture says a 1000 words? dont u agree?? well i have bad news and good news..good : i do have pics lots n lots (i think) bad : pics aren't with me..lolz..some of them i havent even seen..cant let the world see b4 i m assured it justifies me :) need filtering..u knowww..so u ppl who do have them dont simply put here and there arr!! i know i took some really stupid pics..some which i remember and some which i dont but no matter..i could sue!! :P

eve darlin..being the dentist and all can u explain why my gums hurt a f-ing lot..i did a oper..ectomy (sounds something like that la) meaning he lazered off the gum on top of my wisdom tooth to give it some breathing room..he assured me a few days of soreness but it's been more than a week and my gums are still swollen..i'm a very unhappy patient!! if i knew it would be sore this long i would have opted for the removal of the whole tooth..i made sure to rinse and guggle my mouth after every meal to prevent an infection..sigh..plz advise , frustrated victim in pain.

all my bags are packed
i'm ready to go

woooohoooooo!!! i'm going back i'm going back i'm going BACK!!!
ready or notttt..here i come!!!

BOO!

2 down & 1 more to go~

down 2 and 1 more to go..i studied so hard for my last 2 papers..that now i have totally no mood at all to study for my last one..but memang preplanned from the beginning that my philo paper i was gonna use bits..hehe..*devil horns* just so happens that philo is my last paper..at leats can relax a bit now d..somemore i'm going back in like 3 days so like..i can't focus let alone study for anything..my mind is just set to go home..food home food homee!! msia here i comeee!!

cannot laaa..i can't study for philo..howww?? even normal classes also i don't know how to study..the only way i score even during majors is by copying..if i DO copy i'm not ashamed to say i do coz i can't study it..not that i nv tried it just doesn't stick in the head..u see studying facts is still possible..studying other ppl's opinions especially when their mentality and mine are totally different a bit the difficult la..somemore Russians..their system is..in lecture watever material u get..swallow and vomit out during exams if u want to score..now for subjects like Biochem or Physio it's still ok coz it's facts..it will never deviate from what it is u know..but for Philo..to memorize other ppl's opinions especially when u can't add your own opinions is quite..not just quite..SO impossible..philo is suppose to be very subjective right?? you are suppose to be free to express your own opinions about a certain topic..right?? u can't be wrong if you can give a sound arguement supporting you opinion right?? WRONG!! as long as it states a in lecture and you write b in exam you are WRONG?! stupid?? right?? RIGHT?? i would be stupid to study for something stupid right?? RIGHT! so then i can justify bringing in beads right? RIGHT!

for those of u who did study for this subject don't get me wrong..i'm not calling you stupid..i'm just trying to make myself feel better copying..somemore this is my 1st time doing it here..i admit in msia i have copied b4 even during normal classes here i do copy BUT never during exams..a bit the scared but now IF i don't copy and no matter how much i try to study i know the chances of me just pasisng the paper quite low..plus i know that like 9/10 of my batch this year copied for this subject..sooooooooooooo..those of u that did study i put u in that 1/10 place oK! but considering my group is the last group to sit for this paper and the previous groups some ppl got caught cheating even more scare dnow coz the chances that teachers will be more alert higher BUT still this is like do or fail! and i don't want to fail coz that would mean coming back next sem with one paper pending..no no no!! i want to enjoy my holidaysss and i am SO going to..soooo..i think i have justified my future actionss..so there! *smirk*

ps..anselm i was so surprised to receive ur comment..didnt realize u visited my blog..*grinning proudly* chewaaaahh! lolz!

absence makes the heart grow fonder but in your presence i fall again..or so i assume! LOLZ! i know i like to assume a lot of stuff but hey! wat's wrong with assuming this?? :P

Funny how things can change so fast…

Like I said a friend is a friend..all the adjectives that describes it just makes the word seem more special but alone it holds the true essence of its meaning which is more than enough for me..I am still your friend whether you want me or not..after all that we have been through u can’t expect me to just walk away..can u? Perhaps as u said not as close as before but still I am here eventhough it might not seem so lately..gimme some time to adjust myself to our new situation..honestly the only reason why I’m still keeping my distance is because I do not know exactly how to act around u..I’ve just gotten so used to the past and how we use to be that now I just need to take a step back and a longgggg deep breath before I can analyze the whole situation and only then when I’m ready..make that hardest first step forward again..just gimme some time k..i’m not mad anymore..really I’m not..I just still need some more time k..but no matter what still friends..always!

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart ~ Elisabeth Foley

When I saw this quote I was like “Yeaaa..u said it!! Go babeh!!” what I feel inside was put into words when I read this..the physical distance doesn’t necessarily have to distance the friendship..i cannot deny that I was afraid that it might in some way when we parted the 1st time and when we met again in the future it would be like so totally weird..like strangers..but then somehow when we did meet again it was like we were never apart..i was soooo glad!! *grins*

Pssst..u guys know whom I’m referring to right?

I realized recently that my blog has become rather personal and somehow am rather uncomfortable with how public it can be..so gundumamapancakes is going to take a break for a lil while..might have to change my whole perspective of blogging..gonna try to keep it updated but not as personal..u guys want personal details email me at angelina86@gmail.com k or sms me..email preferred tho especially from a certain Siaw Sze hiding away in Adelaide..it’s been a while since I receive anything from u..

On a lighter note..don’t postpone joy..it won’t come knocking on your door every other day..so when it does come don’t turn your back on it..Eve should know what I’m talking about *blush*

My dil goes hmmmmmmmmmm…hehe

email me k guys..my blog is going on vacation..time for it's long-awaited rest..

btw b4 i forget..my exams start next thursday til the 30th so don't forget to pray for me!!!!! i'm gonna need all the prayers that i can get..coz I know I'm gonna be quite the dead..arGh!

R.I.P

on the 22/03/07 I wrote this :

dev..this is for you..now stop fussing!


During one of our lectures..

Dev – Psssssttt..Angie...you don’t miss your water til the well runs dry..

Angie – Huh?!?!?! What do u mean???

Dev - Think about it. I’m not going to tell u. Go figure it out yourself!

Angie - ???

Introducing Dev..he likes to make all these weird-out-of-this-world remarks to drive me up the wall trying to find some logic and reason in it..but it usually never contains not even a single pinch of either of these elements..tells a lot about the person who would say such things ehh.. :P

Actually I do get why he said that because in the past I have 'neglected' him here and there but especially when I’m interested in some guy..actually it happened twice..*ooops* how can i forget?? He NEVER let's me forget..but him being my close friend and all would understand..it's not like i completely neglected him..just partially..actually less than partially..he's juz over-sensitive!!! BUT its normal right right??? RIGHT?? Those of u who are reading this should be on MY side..those of you who want to support him can visit his blog which he says will be up soon --> www.roticanaiman.blogspot.com..coming to the nearest computer near u SOON..'soon' in dev’s world is like ‘never’ in the real world..take my word for it!! A few weeks ago he said he would get season 1 of 'six feet under' for me..well guess wat..I'm still waiting..but that's juz Dev..seeeee I accept you for who you are!! friends are suppose to be understanding..take me for example!! *grinning proudly from ear to ear*

Sometimes when I'm too caught up daydreaming about ... I just need a reality check and i think he takes pleasure in that especially when i refuseeee crying and grabbing everything i can get my hands on to stop him from dragging me back to reality..but he's also the place i can fall back on when the whole world comes crashing down on me..he's MY rock!! :) (jeles?? go find your own rock!)

Our friendship isn't perfect..we have had our childish long non-talking periods..our non-acknowledgeable glances..our dagger-killing stares..our drama sessions..hey!! it's what makes us -US- okay..we're interesting..deal with it if not juz walk away :) he's also seen me at my most vulnerable..at my worst..when im blue..green..orange..yellow..together we can accomplish anything!!! or so we like to dreamm..loLz

a lot of things can change in 3 months and now on the 02/06/07 our friendship is officially over. go figure. may it RIP.

are YOU happy?

someone just asked me if i was happy on a scale of 1 to 10 and i said "hmm..u know what?? i AM!!" it's been a while since i felt this way..just so satisfied with life..i gave myself a 8.9..fuu yoo!! angie is happiee yay yay!!! lol!

sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you alwaz expect it to be there..because u can't remember a time when there wasn't..but then one day u feel something else..something that feels wrong because it feels so unfamiliar..then you realize you are happy.

- one tree hill -

dearest waffles..sorrie been bz laa..exams in less than a month..should start studying..yes yes i should..so onlining is bad because once i'm online i seem to procrastinate here like forever just to avoid having to study! so terrible right? yeaaa..that's me! lolz!

seann..i don't really know how to reply your comment la..all i can say is..i AM sad that i seem to have lost a really good fren..it's hard to find someone you can relate to..be close to..share some secrets with..juz hang out..juz somehow click..someone you're not afraid to be yourself with..but in general sometimes when friends get TOO close especially if they are of opposite sex..they sort of enter this gray area where it's hard to define what is exactly right or wrong SO things get complicated especially when they don't see eye to eye..things can get pretty ugly..and somehow the closer you are to the person it seems that the easier it is for him to be angry at u about something so petty..petty for me major to him..like i said we have totally different thinking and all..it is amazing how we actually managed to be close in the 1st place..but everything that starts must have an end..i juz wished the ending didn't have to tarnish the good memories of the past..but being called trash kinda does that and much much more. PEACE. (i'd imagine u now giving yourself a mental note : never refer to angie as trash..if not..now wouldn't be a bad time to start :) )

today was a pretty good day 4 me..pretty good might even be an understatement..hmmm..had more fun than i did in a long long time..seriously..i'm happy!! i was pretty nervous..kinda looking forward 2 it but at the same time dreading it..was afraid i'd make a fool out of myself and all..but even if i did..i had fun doin it..so all's good!! :) and to imagine that i almost cancelled but something just stopped me from doing so and while i was having fun the cramps just seem to disappear but damn! now it's back..but i'm already happie and no cramps are gonna take that away form me!! 8.9 babeh!! don't play play!!

now enough bout me..so tell me something about u..are YOU happy? *winks*

tip : it's good to make others happy especially when you feel happy doing so..nothing beats this feeling..try it!

f r i e n d s h i t

“before u throw me away I want to throw you away”

Would you ever say that to a friend? Would you?

Now I’m so numb I don’t know exactly what thoughts are going through my head

But I can feel the anger building up inside of me

He basically dumped mud on whatever history we had

Friendship..more like friendSHIT

I know I gave him the choice to become closer or to back away

Coz we have been fighting a lot recently

Mind you I’m only talking in context of friends (nothing more!)

I would understand if he wanted to back away (seriously I would)

But to tell me in such a way as to ‘throw me away’..

I mean he referred to me as trash basically (no?)

NOW expect me not to be angry and my anger shall be directed at YOU!

what doesn't kill you only makes u stronger

i've come a long way from where i was completely degraded to more than nothing to where i am now..i am living proof!! or so that's what i think or allow myself to think..tomoro will be the deciding moment..when i put myself to the test!

wish me luck..i have this sinking feeling i'm gonna need a LOT of that..hmmm..i shall not chicken out i shall not chicken out i shall not chicken up..i mean out..damn!! i shall be strong..i AM strong..!!! *flexing arms..*

ps..don't mind the flabs..lolz..somehow talking bout flexing my arms reminded me about this pic..that's liang one of my very good frens here..he has a russian gf (whooaaaaa..) lolz!! she's actually having this aerobics class every sunday that leaves me in pain for almost 2 days after..see how unfit i am!!! *sigh* the pic was taken almost a yr ago..it was the time of the beginning of the end *nostalgia* a lot has changed in a year..let's hope i really have become a stronger person for my own good! only tomoro will tell..

well done ? medium ? rare ?

i'm somewhere between well done and medium rare..to ur liking?? i could throw in tata sauce as well if u want *winks*
i feel like i'm living in an oven & it's slowly cooking me inside out..
how i wish i had a bathtub full of ice right now..oh wait a minute i DO! well minus the bathtub that is..and hmmm..not exactly to my liking either..

every year the whole of kursk will have their pipes changed..so for these few weeks my whole hostel won't have hot water..you'd think with this crazy weather i wouldn't mind the cold water but when i say cold i mean icy cold and i'm not kidding!!! last night i washed my hair..was too lazy to boil water and all..sooooooooooooooooooooooooo..halfway rinsing my hair i wasn't sure if there was still soap suds remains..why?? i couldn't even feel my hands!!! they were so numb til they hurt!!! last night i experienced a whole new definition of brainfreeze..seriously it was litearally mind blowing!

BUT it is better than having only hot water and no cold water..OR no water at all..so i'm so totally not complaining..i AM grateful for everything that i have at the moment..i am i am i AM!! :)

it's been so long since i actually sweated..i forgot how icky it felt!!! arghhh!! how am i gonna survive msia?? how howww??? i can already imagine sweating the minute i step out of the shower..am i gona have to live 24/7 in the shower?? oh myy..but nothing not even the weather will keep me away..especially when there is so much food waiting for me..come to mama!!

i soooooooooooooo lurve the song Pdiddy & Keisha Cole - Last Night..i know it's an old song but juz now when i was at BaskinRobbins i saw the video clip..now it juz keeps playing over & over again in my head..play it ONE more timeee!!! phweeeEEEeeet!!!

my exam timetable came out today..my last paper is on 2nd july (psssst..the exact same day as my flight from moscow) sigh..i guess i'm just going to have to sit for it when i come back from summer holz..no way am i gonna delay my flight..i heard the flights are like fully booked til mid july..NO WAYYYY am i gonna stay here an extra 2 weeks juz for the sake of one paper..nonono..NO!

i still remember today a yr ago..it was sunny but still pretty windy..had to go round wearing a thin jacket due to the ocassional wind BUT now..i think even while walking around naked i will feel like peeling off my skin hoping that it might feel that lil bit cooler..it's juz TOO hottt!! the only good thing that might come out of this is that i become darker..i hope hope hope..u guys hope too k..then at least me putting through all this heat won't be for nothing..i wanna become dark-er!!!!

ps..arthur u still owe me an explanation! *wicked stare*

exams exams exams

i'm soooooooooo lazieee..
HELP!!!
and worse yet..wat bad timing!! i honestly don't know how i am gona get through my exams in one piece..
i feel like i dont have wat it takes to last one & a half months more..
i need some sort of booster..
suggestions anyone??
weed? hmmm..

last weekend we had our MSA night/prom..theme : urban glamour..wat is urban glamour?? i haf no clue of a clue..so don't look at me..i didn't really go for the prom itself but rather for the afterparty..wanted to dance dance dance..danced til i could barely stand..like usual walked barefooted back to the hostel again..lol..i have started a trend *proudly grinning from ear 2 ear* on the way back one by one the gurls started taking off their heels..in the end we were all proudly parading our cute lil feet..heels in hands..i regret not taking a pic darn! oh well..close ur eyes and try to imagine..but even then i seriously wasn't puas dancing..if it wasnt for those darn blisters..lol..and then i get shot back "why don't u wear more comfortable shoes???" OBVIOUSLY it wasn't a gurl who sed that..i mean who goes clubbing with comfortable shoes??? no offence to those who does tho *sheepish grin*

anyway i'm sorrie if ur falling alseep reading this blog..i've juz been out of it..BUT i'm afraid if i let my laziness take the front seat this blog might nv be able to be revived..so bear with me k :) your cooperation & loyalty is duely noted and greatly appreciated! *hugz*

- S - D - N - E - I - R - F -

where there are frens
there is alwaz hope

randomly fished a topic out of my so-called head..

quite the general i know..but what is your definition of a fren?? a close fren?? a true fren?? a great fren?? a bestfren?? a bad fren?? a lousy fren?? a 4ever fren?? how do u measure frenship?? what is the standard you compare all your frens to?? should you be comparing in the 1st place?? hmmm..

for me a friend is juz a friend..the word 'friend' is self-explanatory..it needs no other words to describe its meaning..the adjectives are like parasites..alone they are nothing..so by clinging to the 'friend' they obtain some sort of significance..

once stripped down to its bare essence..a friend is still juz a friend and in life sometimes that is really all u need to give your life that extraaa ooOomppPhhH to make everything seem okay..

you know who u all are..MY friends..u guys define my life with so much meaning..what with all of u leaving behind muddy footsteps here and there..memories frozen in time..unwavering support when the going gets tough..and laughter for me to alwaz look 4ward to..how can i possibly deem my life unworthy in whatever way?? it's coz of you and you and YOU! and of coz the little you in the corner too :)

i tried to put my all into the *muahs* & i had to end up lookin constipated *sigh* d next pic is me trying to recover wat lil dignity i had left..don't let the smile fool ya *blush* lolz!

ME lubingsss ya all much much muccch!! *super duper uber BIG huGz*

i'm on a roll...

3 times in 1 day

who whud have ever thought it possible??? (do not underestimated me!)

but sean reminded me how good it was to ROFLMAO..i juz had to spread the lurvee..

I was blinded for almost 2 minutes coz my eyes wouldn't stop watering!!

sh• t says:
ghosts dont hv a form per se, however it did take the form of the very hot miss maxim belgium iris maris
aNGie says:
sape tu?
sh• t says:
haha some hot model on the calendar in my room lol
aNGie says:
omG
aNGie says:
ur such a guy
aNGie says:
lol
sh• t says:
lol what hv u think of me all this time?!

plz ppl..i promised him if i published this blog i whud make sure u wouldnt' laff AT him..but if u do end up laffing..imagine yourself ROFLMAO-ing togethergether with him k..at least try..worse come to worse..pretend!!! it's my ass on the line NOT urss..if not i shall block u from my blog!! (btw is that possible??)

do NOT hurt his feelings..i owe him that much for cracking me up after wat seems like 4ever..

you have been warned! ROAR!

I want to belong!

I was browsing through shing's blog and just realized how much i could relate to some of the things she said..

and then it struck me that all the times I'd been wallowing in self pity about my so-called complicated soap-opera issues that had broken me into a million pieces, I was really being just one thing: Idiotic.

my life has been reduced to nothing but a sad routine..

It's funny sometimes, you realise you don't really know who the people who are REALLY close to you are anymore...

I hope it was ok to quote u..don't sue me k..i'm giving u free publisity! :) I hope it makes u feel better that you're not alone tho.. But seriously lately no matter how pathetic i know it may seem I have seriously been wallowing in a LOT of self-pity..more than the normal daily dosage..this has to stop! now.

now the question is how?? ppl say the problem doesn't lie in your surroundings but in you yourself and how you react to your surroudings..so plz tell me what am i doing wrong here? is it really me?? even my mum asked when i told her how bored i have been recently.."are u bored because u have nothing to do? or are you bored with yourself?" the question totally caught me off-guard..and until today i'm still trying to figure out which variant it is..

of late..there has been a thought swimming around in my lil head..MMA? to go..or not to go..to go..or not to go..I feel like I've given my all to this place and that it has given me all it has to offer too..so now i want more..more than what it can possibly ever give me..but it's a big decision..a big choice..once made i cannot turn back..and it scares the living daylights out of me..after F5 I have been hopping from place to place..somehow never seemed to ever feel like i belonged..even here eventhough it's been almost 3 yrs..there are countless times when i feel like i so do NOT belong..that this is not where i am suppose to be..could it be the course I'm studying? *gasps*

oK before I get ahead of myself here..let's not ponder on things I cannot change..meaning the course sticks..but just think about it..Moscow vs Kursk..Kurks vs Moscow..I need to redefine the meaning of life in my dictionary..could MMA be the key?

ps, I'm not flunking any of my subjects here oK neither am i running away from anything..I juz need more in life so when i graduate i won't look back on all the wasted years filled with empty holes of what-could-have-beens & missed-out-experiences..I want solid rock-ass memories that i can tell my cucu cicits about..

I have 2 months and counting to make up my mind so when i go back to Msia I can sit my parents down for discussion and set in motion all the paperworks..I want to but I'm scared..scared of the unknown..scared that I might regret moving..took me a while to settle in2 the routine and all..but then isn't that one of my problems in the first place to begin with..routine routine routine..

the hardest part would be parting with my friends..

but like shing said..it's funny how sometimes u don't seem to know who the ppl who are suppose to be really close to u are anymore..not so much as funny..more like hurtful..especially at times when u just need them to be there..

I don't want u to think of me as juz one of your other friends who unload all their problems on you..I know you got your own problems to deal with..and sometimes u just can't handle everything..I nv planned to unload on you but then you'd be surprise by just how much your presence lightens my load..well that was when you were around anyway..

change is alwaz good..change of place..change of ppl..change of culture..as long as we don't change (not 4d worse anyway :P ) change is even more needed in dire situations where without change we change..I don't want to but this place juz might change me..I need out now!

You need to do this for you..put your friends aside for a moment & ask yourself angie what do YOU want?

you..

sometimes i so totally get you
other times i just don't at all

what is the problem?
me?
what did i do that was so bad?
til u won't even come back?

whatever it was
i'm sorry
but seriously
i juz can't stand this anymore

you say ppl alwaz treat u like a dustbin
but just stop to think about this
the way you are treating me
at the moment
is worse than even that

whatever it is
i just would like to know
i don't want to be left hanging
and worse yet
the last to know
thank you.

Dr House wannabe

Saturday night

I went to bed like it was any other night but i was deceived!

Thoe boogieman left me something while i was ZzzZzz-ing..

Sunday morning

I woke up early..imagine that!! Why u ask??? coz my foot HURT!!!

1^st I thought --> probably some kinda mutated pin & needles thingy..but the sec my right foot touched the ground I was in excrutiating pain..i can’t remember the last time I felt this much pain!!! Pain pain paiiinnnnnnnnn!!! P-A-I-N!!! (plus a few more !!!)

But as the optimist that I am (I AM!!! no matter wat u think!) in my head --> it will be better tomoro..it will it will..i lurve u dear foot..u'll be finee..I even prepared for class on Monday! Semangat sial!

Monday

If yesterday’s pain was excrutiating..today’s one was beyond even words..

When I was in the toilet..i swear I even sweared..it was an impulse thingy..there was juz too much pain for censorship..

Obviously I couldn’t go to class..it was so NOT fun especially since I was practically bed-ridden the whole day..it's totally fine if ur bodyached and u can barely lift ur head OR ur competely high on drugs..then the bed would be like heaven on earth BUT when ur totally fine except that ur foot juz cant be move to prevent any un-needed and totally un-wanted pain..it's juz downrightt BORING i tell u..it was juz my bed, my leg with frozen sausages (cold compress oK! don't laff..it totally works!) and me with my microb notes..

my roomie concluded it was archiles tendon bursitis..there waz a moment b4 this when the possibility of gout was swimming around somewhere..i know i know..GOUT??? but hell when u juz wake up one day with ur foot practically unusable with no reasonable cause..every unreasonable one seems that much lesss unreasonable..

It juz couldn't happen to me at a better time..tomoro I have an Anatomy Conference & Microb Major so even if I have to crawl to uni I have no other choice..somebody juz shoot me!

Tuesday

It took me almost 45 minutes to get from my hostel to uni..about 15 minutes was spent waiting for the bus tho..but still!!! If u saw me..it would be like watching a movie in slowww motion..u'd be laffing ur head off..i definitely whud!

I decided to go and see the doctor..was too damn paranoid coz my groupmate was telling me about his fren who had the almost the same thing and til today he still can’t walk properly..i would juz diee..my life whud juz end..no offence to all those who actually make a living without complete use of both their legs..i have nothing but total admiration for u all..but I am juz not that strong..i juz wouldn't be able to take it..i know how weak & pathetic this makes me sound but i need BOTH my legs!

I couldn’t understand half the things the doc said but he didn’t seem to worried..phweeew!

I am suppose to go for physiotherapy for the next 5 days..keywords : suppose to..

Let me ask u something..first he told me to try put as litlle weight as possible on my foot..but to get to the hospital I need to take a bus and from there I still have to walk quite some distance to the hospital..so all this walking..wasn’t it something I was suppose to avoid in the 1^st place?? The hospitals here like to make their patients walk as if they weren’t sick in the first place to begin with..up n down and up n down..it’s like the different departments aren’t in one building but in different buildings in walking distance to one another BUT not exactly that close..and somemore when ur sick even moving 1cm is like a momumentous achievement..i think it might be something mental..mentally u muz think ur not sick or at least try to mentally force yourself to act as if u were as healthy as an ox..unless u want to drop dead on the roadside in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Kursk in the middle of Russia while trying to get to the doctor..??

A close fren told me now he understands why house is house

It seems eversince I hurt my foot I have become a house prodigy

Can u blame me?? My foot hurts!! and he is way up there in my list of role models so it was more a compliment than an insult :P

Wednesday

The cream the doc told me to apply is a miracle cream!!! I’m cured!!! Yesterday it would seem close to impossibility that today my foot could feel this good..uh huh!!

The best part??? The doc will still gimme an MC next Tuesday when I go for checkup so this means that I actually don’t have to go for classes!!!! this is my silver-lining.. :) I proclaim this week Russian-free for me!!! I totally loathe Russian class..a waste of my one and a half hours a day 3 days a week..so this week i have become 4 and a half hours richer..ching chingzzz!

The week suddenly looks so much brighter!! :)

Thursday

the dark cloud has returned..

my foot is juz fine btw (tQ 4 askin)

juz that everything else is ShiAtZ!

Friday

I studied everything but those 3 little topics..and out of the 3 questions she asked me 2 of them were the 3 that i didn't study..like i said..dark cloud..what happened to my so much brighter 4 and a half hours richer week??? :( shiatz shiatz SHIATZ shiatz! I wanna go home..

rainforest 2007

pics from my last rainforest 2003 (as u can see..it's been a while) and another 'borrowed' from soph (2005)

for the past few years i have only been able to hear about how great it was..about all the things i missed out on..the saying 'there was no party without u' juz doesnt apply to rainforest..anyone who manages end up there..cant possibly NOT have fun..it's juz such an impossibility! i don't blame u..i've been there..SO rest assured..i don't blame ya all for having fun without me..but this year it's MY turn!! *evil grin*

believe it or not..my roomie and i have been planning this even b4 our egypt trip..i don't mean b4 actually going on our egypt trip but rather b4 even planning the trip itself..and looked how well that turned out..(if u don't already know..well now u do!)

but i have a feeling that this will be soo soooooooo muchhh better!!!

tickets...check...room...check...booze...double check...

13th july 2007 here i come!!!!!!!!!

help me!!

i'm not hungry..but i juz can't stop eating..

help!!!

little miss addict

i have a confession
i'm an addict
i have been sober never

the worst part

i don't want to stop!

due to unforseen circumstances *cough* *OC* *cough* i didn't go to my nursing surgery class this morning..don't get me wrong..i DID wake up. ask my roomie if u don't believe me :P i juz couldn't seem to stay awake very long and the fact that i didn't prepare for the class or didn't even have any material watsoever for the class got me thinking..and i decided..actually i think i actually fell back to sleep b4 i actually had enough time to make up my mind..lolz..

but guess wat?? my groupmates cancelled class..how lucky can I get?? oK do NOT answer..u might jinx it!!

pssssssssssssssssst..guess wat else i found out today..the guard i despise or rather whom despises me is no longer in charge of my hostel..everyone gimme an OHH YEEAAAAA!!! *ohh yeeaaaaa!!!* got 2 new guards whom according to my sources are very sporting compared to ol Hagrid (old guard's nickname) SOOOOO u guys do know what this means right?? my weekends already seem less miserable & pathetic *mischievious grin*

some of the pics i managed to track down..enJoY!! *hugz*

i swallowed a frog!

what's with my voice u ask?? now..let me ask u..what's with my voice?? *lifts eyebrows* i think it's sexy..u don't like it..i guess you're lucky then u don't sound like me :)

i've been in a very pissy mood these past few days..PMS-ing?? sometimes i think PMS has become such an overused excuse it juz doesnt carry any weight anymore..u'd think after we gurls have been going thru it every month that we'd have better control over our hormones..and so yea it might be impossible to directly control our hormones consciously..but what i mean to say is more control of how we react to the way our hormones make us feel..it's like when u see a ball coming directly at u..at first u might not know what hit u..but eventually when u see a ball coming u'll duck..BUT wat some of u especially guys don't understand is..oK now i'm juz speaking for myself..some gurls might agree with me..others might not..the best way to know what is exactly going on in their minds..ask them.

anyway..my excuse for being PMS-sy is sometimes it's juz too much work to have total control of myself..the way i act or react in situations especially when my hormonal balance is off the charts..so much work sometimes it's so much easier to let them take over..of coz there will be consequences for all my actions..I'm not trying to put the total blame on PMS..I take full responsibility for all my actions..ALL of them..it's juz sometimes when i do not have mood to layan..do not push it ok..leave me alone..if i do not have mood to explain myself..gimme a break..eventually when i feel better i will tell u everything u want to know..all in good time..u juz got to know when to back off..

sometimes there are juz no answers..or explanation..why am i doing this?? why am i feeling this way?? even I do not always have the answers..all i know is i AM at the moment feeling that way..like today since i got back from the carnival i juz felt depressed and down..i juz wanted to do absolutely nothing..so i drowned myself in all 6 remaining episdoes of 'One Tree Hill'..somehow this particular series has a way of making me feel better..during the end of last summer when i was lower than low..it was 'One Tree Hill' whom i turned to too..funny huh..it's my own way of therapy..but now that i finished all..i juz don't know what to do..i want to do nothing..but i'm bored juz doing nothing..(ps..i nv said i was an easy person to understand!)..

-analysing session-

topic of discussion : depressed & down

reason for feeling this way --> mainly because the blueberry pie i reserved was given away..accidentally of course..but still it didn't make me feel a whole lot better..ching hua u shud be proud..ur pie was so good it made me emotional! :)

part where i also can't explain --> now don't get me wrong..i was upset but of coz not at jane OR ching hua..too many ppl + too many orders = chaoz..it's normal to lose count..i don't blame anyone..i don't..i was juz upset la..it's normal..but the disturbing part..the extent to which i was upset..i thank dev and arveen for putting up with me the entire time..lolz..eventhough i know they don't understand how i could make a piece of cake upset me that much..now..here is the part where i say..PMS..because even i can't explain how..i can only tell u it juz did..

solution --> One Tree Hill

still don't get me?? oh well..join the club..i've been trying for the past 20 plus years of my life and what an adventure it has been! all u dear bored pancakes out there are alwaz welcomed to join the ride! that is........if u dare..lolz..don't worry..it's FOC!

sweet sweet victory

i saw Him today!!! and u know what..I'm over him..I amm!! YESS!!!! *jumping up n down with joy* oh joy joy!!!!! ok i know i'm suppose to be SOOO over him like soooo long ago..but u know after everything that we have been through you juz cant blame me for holding back some of the feelings i had..it's not like i wanted to..it's juz hard to let go sometimes..but time heals all..it's true..a month or so ago..if someone had told me that..in my mind ---> BULLSHIT!!! nv whud i expect to be able to be completely over him..which i am i am i AMMM nowww!!!! wooohoooo..i need to celebrate..!! ok i know i always say that i am over him blah blahh..but ppl alwaz tell me life is what u make it..and if i tell ppl and myself over and over again that i am..eventually i will be!! which i AM noww..haahhahahahhahahahaa..oh joyous joyyy..

how do i know?? easy..when u stand in front of the person..and u dont wish for hell to swallow him up..you dont wish for him to trip and fall..and gawd no..u dont wish for him to sweep u off your feet once again..u dont wish to hide behind all his sugar-coated lies..actually u dont feel nothing..i dont mean feel numb..juz indifferent..no grudges..no hopes..nothing..MAN it felt goood!!! *relieve*

you know how when u see a random stranger and then he kinda catches ur eye..even more electrifying when u exchange one of those eye contact thingy magig..it's not a typo..i mean magig NOT magic..anyway where was I..right right..then he juz refuses to exit ur mind..completely hogs ur thinking space..u keep replaying over n over the moment u saw him..the moment he caught u looking..blah blah..then this will probably go on for a few days..maybe even weeks..it becomes even more intense when somehow u cant seem to run into him..like they say absence makes the heart grow fonder..but then the next time when u actually DO meet the person..reality *BANGS* hits u..he turns out to be nothing like what u expected at all..it could be for the better..it could be for the worse..but that's life..it's a 50-50 chance..u got to be willing to take the risks..sooo..are YOU game??

p/s, it would help if u didnt raise the expectation bar too high..we are all only human..and i for one know how imperfect i can be..but b4 u start listing my countless flaws..plz take a good look in the mirror 1st! :)

the 70s show

that was the theme..70s/beach..i soooooo wasn't dressed compared to the rest..well i DID try to put as much effort as i could into it..AT LEAST i dressed up..usually for bday parties in my hostel i go in PJs..sooooooooo..note the -effort-!

-before the party-

had lecture til 5pm..

5.30pm..went for handball..

7.10pm..was walking back from handball past 5th hostel when ann called me..oopps!! *blush* i was suppose to call her so we could walk back to my hostel together..it totally slipped my mind..luckily she called me at the nick of time..soooooooo i backtracked all the wayyy back..she said she would be down in 2 minutes..it was 2 realllllllllllllly long minutesss..

7.20pm..we decided to walk back to my hostel instead of using the bus..i didnt mind..i love walking especially now when the weather is juzzz too perfect for words..not hot and not too cold!! if only it would stay like this all year roundd..chunnn weii!!

7.30pm..dropped by 'evropa' on the way back coz ann had to buy juice for the party

8.00pm..arrived back in the room..changed clothes..took the pot and popcorn and up i went to 5th floor to make popcorn for the party..i alwaz thought u needed an oven to make popcorn..well guess what!!! u juz need a stove and a pot and of coz butter..oil if u are out of butter..and wa laaaa..instant popcorn!

amidst the corn popping..chong was making sushi..he was running late..he took on more orders than he could handle..so i AS USUAL decided to help out..sigh..wat to do..it's just in my nature to help others...chehhh wahhhh..self praise is no praise..doesnt stop me tho..lolz!

10.30pm..still stuck in the kitchen..actually..arveen was the one making the popcorn..i was juz being kepo kepo giving my opinions about what should be done even though i have no clue whatsoever..he's the one who's made popcorn b4..the closest i have been to making popcorn is about 1m in fornt of the TV screen :) btw the part WAS suppose to start at 10.30pm..

11pm plus plus..finally DONE!! rushed back to bath..i thought i was latee but in the end i was the one waiting for some of the rest to get ready..while waiting..as u can see in the pic..zzZzzzZZzz..was too tireddd..can u blame me?? are u blinddd?? didnt u read the WHOLE list of what i did from 5 til now..??

but of coz..i wouldn't have missed dev's birthday even if my whole body felt as if a bus had juz made road-kill out of me..all i needed was a lil alcohol to take the pain away..it workss!! but the next day..you realized it was in fact the -...- (i kinda forgot the name of the truck..u know those HUGE trucks that ppl hitch hike on all the time in movies along the US interstate highwaysss..the ones where the movies alwaz protray the drivers as really hamsap ppl..u get the idea right??) and not a bus that was the culprit..

BUT did I have fun?? Yesss..of coz..duh!!! hahahhaa..with the right music & the right company..anything goes!! and I seriously don’t like vodka..tastes like spirit..i know it’s spirit but smells & tastes like the kinda thing u use to dilute paint..u know..ewww..but last night they mixed the cocktails til I could barely taste the 'turpentine'..it was perfectt!! :) and the strawberry milkshake that Raj did was superb!!

let the pictures speak for themselves..oh right..u'll see them once i track them down..*grinz* keep your fingers crossed that i DO manage to do so..

on another note altogether..

Moscow games end of this month..still deliberating if i should go..i mean i DO want to and all..i seriously do enjoy playing handball and these competiitions alwaz give me the adrenaline rush i get high on..but it's too expensive when u actually think about it..having to pay almost close to RM800 for 2 days..i could use that money to cover my flight to Thailand and I have been looking fwd to it eversince Dette put the possibility of it in my headdd..!! rave -vs- moscow games..honestly when I see it this way it isnt much of a dilemma..lolz..but if i could have both..*dreaming* asking too much??? sigh..

should i go should i not go should i go should i not go..i know i shouldnt but it doesnt make me NOT want to any less..omG i feel my BP going up juz thinking about it..if i get a heart attack and die..i'd like all u pancake lovers to know its been great knowing each & everyone of u and i lurveeee u all..every bits and pieces of ya..*big round of hugs* anyone for 2nds?

boo hooo..

this has juz so not not been my week at all..I knew it the moment I woke up on Monday..i had a feeling!! I so wished that I was mistaken..that it was juz me bein all paranoid and stuff..and trust me i can get pretty paranoid..i mean it hasn’t been THAT bad..but still I am counting down til my Saturday comes knocking on my door..

have I told you all what a pathetic excuse of a weekend I have??? well if I haven’t let me enlighten you..if i have..juz bear with me..i can go on and on forever..but i promise i shall keep it as short as possible this time..k see here..i have lectures on Saturday til 5 pm..so there goes my Saturday mornings and afternoons..then there is of course Saturday night which anywhere else on Earth except for this forsaken place would definitely compensate for half my Saturday in the bin knowing that Saturday nights are all I need to make every 52 weekends in the year something to look forward to!! bu-bu-bbuu-buut not here..firstly there are limited places to go to and even more scarce things to do..secondly even if I do have something on I have a curfew and past that curfew I would have to come back ringing on the doorbell of my hostel..and the guard now literally stares daggers at me everytime I walk into the front door because of the many countless times I woke him up to open the door for me..to the extent he even told my roommate to tell me not to go out at night..that it’s not good to come back late..blah blah..u know the normal lectures you ‘used’ to get back home..even my parents are past that man..he is in desperate need of a life..due to HIM I have been coped up in the hostel the past few weeks trying to restraint any tempting activities that require me to return to the hostel after lock-in time..once he basically opened the door..screamed some blardee impossible to understand Russian in my face and slammed the door in my face..i was stunnedfor a good few minutes!! but of coz when i snapped back to relaity there was nothing else to do but keep ringing and begging to be let in..can u imagine?? well I know it sounds pathetic but hey im not sleeping on the streets man..i even called for back-up..asking my friends in the hostel to get ready in case he gave me any trouble and if they still couldn’t handle him well..worse come to worse I shall just have to climb up to my window..how hard can it be?? I always see it being done in the movies..right right?? chillax..that was my very last desperate option..but not 2 worry he has a soft heart behind all that gruff jeepers creepers exterior and mind-boogling 1000 dB lectures..

Sunday is the only day I have all to myself before Monday comes dragging the rest of the week with it..and here we go again..soooooooooo much for my weekend huh?? lolz..are you guys all grateful for not being me?? you should be..you better be!! if you see me..dont u ever dare complain about your weekends ok..because your sob story just cant possibly compete with mine..so don’t even bother trying..you’ll end up regretting it..sitting for hours on end hearing me drown in my own self-pity..it’s not a very pretty sight..dont say I didn’t warn you!

I’m not saying that I dread my weekend..just that I know it could be sooooooo much better..but beggars cant be choosers..so of coz I look forward to my Saturday nights..it’s better than no Saturday nights..but the fact that most ppl here tend to turn to alcohol on Saturdays..well take it form me..you just cant blame them..it’s cheap it’s easy to get it gets you high it takes away your troubles for that insie bitty moment and you can drink it in the hostel!! well of course you don’t come walking in through the front door with vodka bottles in your hands..hello!!!

so anyway..this Saturday Dev is having a cocktail party..” 70’s theme”..i’m veryyy veryy veryy looking forward to it!!!!! especially after what a week this has been..i just need a break..and since my so-called weekend limits my activitites..i need a par-teeeh to kill any trace of last week and prepare me for a whole new next week..i’d like to say that things cant possibly get worse than this week..but then let's juz say it does..OH GAWDD..i juz cant imagine..*i need a brainwash* sigh..all I know is there is a possibility that it might get worse..but hey..life is like a hourglass..you just got to wait for something or someone to come and turn it around..ya know?? be optimistic and vry very VERY very patient..!! I know whoever that has seen me around this week would say I was far from optimistic..sometimes I know you see a dark cloud hovering over my head but in my head I am optimistic!! I’m that much closer to the end of the week..now even if the thought doesn’t put a smile on my face it gets me through the week..

oh by the way I found my jacket..yes there is a higher power and He is on my side :) how do i explain what a %^&&*# week I had in relative to what i juz said..well look at it this way..He wont put obstacles in front of me unless He is sure I will be able to overcome it eventually..this week is just one of those obstacles I guess..and look on the bright side..i'm almost over and done with it..i can see the lightt at the endddd of the tunnel!!!

on a subconscious note..i saw him twice this week..1^st time I saw him I juz frozed up and I kinda stared without knowing it mind you!! The minute I realized I just turned around and hid in the café..pathetic right?? I just don’t know how to face him anymore..what to say?? how to act?? It just wont be the same like last time..i’m sure he would be different too and im not too sure how im going to handle it..it’s ok if I THINK I know he is going to act differently..but him actually acting different in real-life in front of me..well..seriously..i wouldn’t know what I would do..will I break down..will I get teary-eyed..will I get angry..honestly I don’t know..and as of now..i’m just not ready to find out yet..2^nd time I saw him..today..i was just looking at the swarm of ppl coming out of the lecture hall..you know looking but nOT looking at the same time..it’s like you are just staring into space unfortunately just in that direction you know..and then..somehow..i saw him..our eyes met and I just looked away without acknowledgement and walked away..sighh..i hate to admit this to myself but yes..i am still angry at him..I know I cant exactly blame him for anything..if I were to drag him to court I would lose..but just for putting me in this situation..im angry..at him at me..life used to be so simple..how the hell did it get so complicated?? I know I said I wasn’t angry..said I didn’t care..but what the hell was I suppose to do?? what I wanted was so wrong..so I did the right thing (at least I thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing) and now here I am..I know some of you think I 'won'..but why do I feel like I lost?

oh by the way..i guess the gundumama survived the take-off..I’m here even if I don’t blog as often as all of you hope I would..well mind you..i DO have a life :) I’m not saying that all you bloggers out there do not..it’s just that you guys have much more will-power than I have..once I reload I will just use and use and use..til I’m out of credit..then I’ll try to withstand reloading til I’m about to break..and then when I do..i just use and use and use..sigh..it’s a very vicious cycle..it used to be the same way with my hp credit..i guess better on this than on my hp..trust me on that..i was out of control last time..for reasons i would not like to remember..

Clemmie how was KL?? did you send my regards to the nasi lemak at the mamak nearby IMU?? I’m sure Cherie would have brought you there..were u there on Sunday?? Dim-sum?? *sigh* how I wished I could have teleported myself back..moreover this time you wouldn’t be all the way at the other side of the world..ok figuratively speaking..last time Wangsamaju was the other end of the world to me oK..we would have been so closeee!!! could have gone to so many new places considering the situation..i could pick you up..and not drop you off at some LRT station..oh well..i just hoped you had a great time..i will remember tho ”Red Label” without me..!! :( looking forward to anything interesting that might have happened that night!! *winks* especially if it involves dirt on lai..or anything I can use against him when I go back..muahahahha..*evil grin*

I got major tomorrow..damnn..why cant this week just END!

end end end end end end end enddd!!!

btw did i ever tell you guys how i dread Russian classes..well if i haven't..I DOO!!! i alwaz end up spacing out..daydreaming..taking pictures..falling alseep..the pic..me and my roomie in Russian..i was so sleepy!!!! as u can see i was fighting a losing battle while my roomie..well the pic speaks for itself..hehe..i hope my Russian teacher doesnt see it..she's so skema it juz kills me!!

the other pics..the gurls b4 we went for Surgery..hope this will last u til next week..i shall be back!! *hugz*

oh woe me

Sigh..i seriously do not know what is wrong with me but recently I have been over forgetful..i mean yeaaa..i am pretty forgetful every other day but these few days it’s just been one incident after another..ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so sooo gerammm!!!! Yesterday I was looking for my biochem lecture book but I couldn’t find it..so I started thinking..hmmm..who did I lend it to..i mean usually I would remember!!! Ok common gimme a break..my memory aint that bad ok..with the exception of the recent events oK! So I was thinking thinking thinking..trying to retrace my steps..i mean on Friday morning I had my book in my hands..was pretty sure i had it when I was back in hostel..but now it’s not on my table..not on my shelf..I even looked under my bed!! Maybe the boogeyman was bored so took it for some light reading??

I compiled a list of ppl that might have borrowed my book in my head..and when I saw them I asked and all said “no..”..i was giving up hope d..seriously..i was like oh myyyyy..somemore this Friday I got major..so where the hell am I gonna get the notes from..somemore when ur so comfortable with your own notes and handwriting and all..studying from other people’s notes just isn’t the same..it just doesn’t work for me..not saying that their notes aren’t as good in any way..it just isn’t the same laaaa u know..i don’t have a sense of ‘my own’..ya know?? Well if u don’t..dont bother..but if u do..then yeaaa that is exactly how I feel!!!

Then today during physio lec..i sat next to Krishna..and then she took something out of my head and placed something in front of me..MY BIOCHEM BOOK!!!! :) I was stunned for a minute..definitely relieve but more stunned at my forgetfulness..i mean the minute I saw the book I remembered that yesss..she DID come to the room on Friday afternoon!!! But why couldn’t I have remembered that when I was looking high and low for it yesterday..and the worst part..she wasn’t even one of those people on my list to ask if they had borrowed my book..i know it’s no big deal..but just the fact that it occurred was troubling me a lot..dont ask me why..it just did!

Then today..oh man..after microb I was changing my shoes..then I was taking of my lab coat and putting it away in the bag when I realize something just isn’t right!! Where is my jacket???? !!!!!!!!!!! I ran back in my class but it wasn’t there!! I looked on the desk..in the desk..under the desk..on the floor..omG I looked everywhere and it just wasn’t there..!!!! so the only one other possible placeit could be hiding..the café..oh mannnnn..dah la 6.30pm..cafe dah tutup :(

The thing was the first time I left the café I forgot my jacket on the chair but Ed saw it and helped me take it..then since the library wasn’t open so I went back into the café and this time I was the last one leaving SO there was no one left behind to actually help me remember my jacket..sighh..hopefully the lady saw it and kept it for me la..but then seriously she’s not a very nice lady..she’s always in a bad mood and impatient and … but I’m still hopeful..i believe YES especially NOW I do so very the much believe that in every person there is definitely some good so I’m hoping tomorrow her good will outshine her badd..i even rehearsed what I was going to say in Russian so that she will understand me and not get into one of her temper fits..!! please please pleaseee please let her be in an extra good moood tomorrow..

It’s not like a super nice super expensive jacket..but still I lurveee it!! Well I tend to get super attached to what’s mine..regardless of it’s price and bla bla..it’s just the way I am..so when I lose something..may it be a biochem lec notes or my jacket..i get extremelyyyyyyy upset..but I’m hoping that because it is just an ordinary jacket..no exquisite design..not made from some super special super duper exclusive high class material that no one else would have taken it..*crossing fingers*

Worst case scenario that Vignesh put in my head just now..” even if she did find it, I doubt she will give it back to you..” thank you so very much for relieving all my worries and taking that BIG question mark away..*ppl this is what u call sarcasm if u haven’t already noticed* he said it was better to be negative so if I do find it..it’s a PLUS but if I don’t..i have prepared myself for it..but I just cant help it if I have hopeee..faith that the café lady isn’t as bad as she seems..thats why im making an extremely humongous sacrifice tomorrow..im going to wake up extra early to go to uni first b4 I head off to my hospital class and mind you..for the class itself I’m always late..but because of my beloved jacket..well let’s just hope that my sacrifice doesn’t go to waste..my roomie “ Goodluck..not in finding the jacket..but in waking up..*snicker* ” sigh..

Vinodt : Angie..biar laa..maybe it was meant to be..if u didn’t lose it in the café you’d probably have lost it somewhere else..if it was meant to happen you cant stop it..everything has already been pre-programmed to happen in life..just got to learn from it and move on..

I might have probably agreed with him in some other random situations but we are talking about MY jacket now..hopefully some higher power is on my side tomorrow..i promise even if I do find the jacket I won’t lose the lesson!! *drawing a cross over my heart* i will without any doubt whatsoever be more careful..

If you meet an extremely bitter Angie tomorrow..well..i’m sure u can figure out how things went..so ppl please keep my dear jacket in your prayers tonight..poor thing..all alone out there in this cruel cold world..

Til tomorrow..